Cracking up!

Two friends, Jenny and Jinny were thinking what to play during the afternoon. For a long time, they could not decide upon any game. Suddenly, Jenny had an idea. She turned to Jinny and said excitedly. "Let's play school." "OK!" said Jinny. "But I'm going to be absent." ***** Teacher: Give me a sentence with the word 'analyse' in it. Pupil: My sister Anna lies in bed until nine o'clock. ***** Which soldiers smell of salt and pepper? Seasoned troopers. ***** What has webbed feet and fangs? Count Quackula. ***** Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill? It ran out of juice. ***** Q: What did they award the man that invented the door knocker? A: The No-bell Prize. ***** What did the robbers who fell in the sea do? They started a crime wave. ***** What do you call a Roman emperor with flu? Julius Sneezer. ***** My sister got me into trouble the other day. She said, "Mum, he's broken my dolly." My mum said, "How did that happen?" My sister said, "Well I was hitting him on the head with it and it broke." ***** Who was the first underwater spy? James Pond. ***** What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer. ***** What is the most popular sentence at school? I don't know. ***** What's the hardest key to turn? A donkey. ***** My brother got thrown out of the zoo last week. I said, "Why was that?" He said, "I fed the monkeys." I said, "You got thrown out of the zoo for feeding the monkeys?" He said, "Yes, I fed them to the lions." ***** My brother was banging his head on a brick wall. I asked, "What're you doing that for?" He replied, "Because it's a lovely feeling when I stop." ***** Laura woke up late for school, she was 10 minutes late. She rushed into school. Her teacher asked her, "Why are you so late?" Laura replied, "Oh! Did I miss something?" ***** My sister went to first aid lessons and the instructor asked, "What's the first thing you'd do if a man was blown up by dynamite?" My sister answered, "Wait for him to come down." — Compiled by The Surfer